God, you’ve shone your flashlight in my heart and known me.

You know each movement I make, even when I’m asleep and unaware. I can’t see you, but you get the way my brain works. Whether I’m walking into a cathedral or the bathroom, you’ve got an eye on my path.

Before I’ve said a word, you know what I’m going to say.

You’ve encircled me – past, present, and future. You’ve put your hand on my anxious heart and settled it with your touch. I don’t understand it, and never will.

Where can I go to get away from all of this attention? Can I run away?

If I’m having a great day and walking The Path, you’re there.

If I’ve made a cozy little nest for myself in hell, yep, you’re there, too.

If I sprout wings and try to escape to the mountains or to the deepest ocean, that calming hand is still leading me, still holding me.

Even when I think it’s too dark, I’m too sad, and I’m beginning to fail and give in to the night, you look around and see daylight. You see the brightness when I can only see the dark. Because you created them, they’re both the same to you.

This is all possible because you created me with your hands and heart and imagination. Like a knitter, you designed and stitched me together when I was still in my mama’s belly. You made my emotions, my longings, my anger, my desires.

Thank you for that. Thank you for creating me in such a mysterious, wonderful way. The way you work is super cool; I feel this in the depths of my tattered soul.

Even when I was a little dot – a “fetus” – not able to sustain life, you knew what this body would look like. Not even my mom knew I existed, but you did, and like a skilled craftsman, you were forging me in the depths of the earth. You saw what I would be. You saw each day of my life, even moment I would live, written on the book of your heart before I even took my first breath.

Your thoughts mystify and overwhelm me in their numbers, their goodness, their foreknowledge. I couldn’t count them if I tried. Yet, here I am, awake, with You, great one.

In my humanness, I wish you would kill the wicked, take away those in my life who hate you, mock you. I hate them because they hate you. They’re my enemies now. And I know that you want to take away that hate, because you are love.

Shine your flashlight on my heart, God. Dig around, ask questions, help me understand my anxiety. See if there’s anything in me that would cause pain to myself or others and lead me to a better, more sustainable way.

**not meant to be a word for word translation